Mafia dramas have been done to death. Scarface… The Sopranos… they haven’t won a Barry award. And neither has Evan Jones, but in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2008 Evan is going to join the mafia and he’s going to give it a stab!
Like Evan, do you have a yearning to join the mafia? You’ll need to do your homework, it’s not like these boys work to an award. In fact, we’re talking about an OH&S nightmare… long hours, heavy lifting, a questionable redundancy package. Still, if you’ve been seduced by The Sopranos read on and find the job that’s right for you, my made man.
KING PIN
The King Pin, the head honcho, you are the big wig (although like Tony Mokbel, you won’t wear it well). You made it to the top by cheating, stealing and scheming and you expect nothing but loyalty from your team. You are a family man who likes to unwind with his mistress. Your diet is high in carbohydrates, as many of your staff meetings occur in pizza bars or over a bowl of home-made pasta. If you live long enough you could end up like Jaba the Hut, but don’t worry I’m sure that won’t happen. The problem with being the man at the top is that you hold the most coveted position in an industry that’s known for its political coups.
The STAND-OVER MAN
Being a Stand-Over Man, you are one tough cookie, except that there’s nothing sweet about you. You spend most of your time flexing and pouting (and not in a super model sort of way). You always wear sun-glasses. This makes perfect sense because eyes are the window to the soul, and you don’t have one, pal! In your down time you coat your muscles in baby oil, which you like all the more because you think that it’s made out of real babies. You have no remorse. You own an extensive wardrobe. Like a Hollywood celebrity you never wear the same outfit twice (but only because blood won’t wash out). Don’t bother about being too selective with your superannuation fund, the odds of ever needing to tap in to it are about as slim as your King Pin.
THE SNITCH
While you are a bit of a life insurance risk you have a strong survival instinct, which is what lead you to become a snitch. The dibber-dobber from school you want the best of both worlds, the sexy gangster life-style without consequences like jail or death. Try becoming an AFL footballer instead! It’s everything you want and more. You spend most of your time feeling paranoid, but it’s not paranoia if it’s real. And your life is in danger most of the time. In your down time you should attend karaoke bars, because you’re going to end up singing like a canary.
THE DIRTY RAT
An undercover cop, you have the most integrity of the group. Don’t wear a wire that’s what the Snitch is for. A workaholic, you don’t have time for any social life. If you have a family they hate you for never being there. The upside is that your life story has good potential for a Hollywood blockbuster (or a least a mini-series on Channel 9).
THE PATSY
You have the best role of all. Really!! Well not really, but being a patsy you’ll fall for anything, which is why you are perfect for this role. You really believe in brotherhood of the mafia, which makes you an even more likely patsy. Model yourself on the ultimate Patsy, from Absolutly Fabulous. Get a bit more cynical as you scoff back your Stolly and Bolly then ciggas and drugs. For a wise guy you need to wise up. The Snitch, the Rat, the Stand-Over Man and the Kingpin are all out to get you!
Hilarious and topical, Evan Jones is the real reason Tony Mokbel does not want to be extradited to Australia –
he doesn’t want to be upstaged by him.
